January 27, 2004
-
Missing
How do you miss someone? I don't mean the obvious up front "not there" missing but the other kind. Missing is the noticing of a void, an emptiness, a not there to the all is-ness of the world around us. But true missing is more than that. Just missing someone, noticing they are not here, now, is on par with experiencing time as a dog does. To a dog you are not there, then you are! The interval between is irrelevant, the bliss of animals; there is only now (and I am so exited I could just wag my tail!
)
But what about you?
Why do you differ in my existence? Why does your "not here" mean more? Physically we are often separate and occasionally separate over extended periods of time. But why does today feel like a kidney is missing? Why can't I breathe fully? I am driven to distraction and the 'not' of you is made real in my suffering.
Maybe the real missing is an experience of oneness; it comes from re-member-ing. I am trying to say it follows from having and being so close to you that we are part of the one-ness; the is-ness. I miss you like an amputee misses his long lost limb; I know you are there, have always been, why in God's name can't I grasp it!!! «I make an empty handed gesture at gabbing the glass»
And just when futility descends on my shoulders and I can't seem to see any farther, snow blind in a blizzard of you, I realize that there is no missing between us. We are whole and real and the Yin is with the Yang; there is no division of one.
It is not that I miss you. It is I am part of you, you a part of me, we are part of the one, a whole separate part in the one that has no parts.
This week you are away and in pain. You are going through the turmoil of emotion, the roller coaster ride of grief, and like seeing a picture of a rose through your eyes I smell the fragrance so sweet, so bitter sweet.
There is sympathy and there is empathy. But what do you call it that we have? I can never give you sympathy, I feel you too much, I bleed when you are cut.
I don't miss you, my love, I cannot.
I only want my body to feel with its nerve endings and primitive mind the light of your soul made real in the person before me.
Subtle ebbing,
tide and time.
Pulling, clutching,
gently licking
between fingers
held laughing,
running out,
life's line.
Comments (4)
I's not often I am left speachless by another's words... but... wow
Very beautiful....Not everyone is capable of loving that deeply. ~J
And what's interesting . . . often you don't notice a person who you miss later.
i know what you mean. sometimes you feel like after you've left somebody and you know you won't see them anytime soon, maybe never again, it's like you left your soul with that person, and now that your so far apart, you're detached from your own being. difficulty breathing, a profound physical? or is it merely psychosomatic? pain in your chest. yea, these symptoms sound familiar to me. but what is emotion after all? could it simply be some chemical changes in our brain making us feel a certain way to instill certain reactions? isn't the surge of courage that sometimes hits you- isn't that simply a characteristic trait in humans that evolved because the brave man who was willing to hunt down the formidable beast met the law of "survival of the fittest"? isn't cowardice, just as well, a trait that's evolutionarily sound? because any fool who would have the idiocy/fearlessness to meet a wild boar head on, one on one, wouldn't he be a dead man??? but when cowardice strikes you- it's not a logical thing. it's the pumping of the heart, faster, harder, the tingling sensation down the spine, in the fingers, ice in your blood, cold sweat breaking out. you know it only in physical/emotional terms, not mental/logical ones. can't the "missing" of another person be the same thing? an evolutionary trait that encouraged bonding and cooperation between humans? the aversion towards separation, division amongst one's own kind? of the people you feel close to and trust and love? what is love afterall? are all these emotions merely chemicals passing through our brains making us feel good, heart-wrenched, cowardly? it's too hard to go on about it, perhaps impossible to solve, i'll end it here. perhaps this will shed some light on the issue.
Comments are closed.